Cliche Alert – New Year – New Plan

So it’s been more than a month since my last update. And that’s because shit had hit the fan.  I somehow hurt my back and just said ‘eff it all’ and everything went to shit.  Needless to say the entire last half of December was just a mess.

And the more I went down the shame spiral of eating my anger from the pain I was in from my back the more I just packed it on.

By the way when people say they’ve pulled their back I know it looks painful, but I’ve never known how painful it actually was. I mean I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t put my socks on. Couldn’t stand, sit, lie down, nothing I did felt good. I was in misery.   And the more miserable I was the worse I ate. So, one night while in pain with my back I had the dreaded Acid Reflux – which caused me to cough – and those of you who’ve had a herniated disc knows what that does when you cough, sneeze, breath hard etc. I went down to my knees in pain. And I’d had a few other bad episodes of the AR after that.

I’ve had it. I cannot live like this anymore. I was talking to a very good friend of mine and complaining as I do. I told her I was trying to eat healthy and exercising before all this happened and I don’t know how to get back on track. Then, I don’t know how we got on the topic, but she asked me what I was eating when I was eating healthy and I told her and she told me that I was NOT eating healthy.

I don’t even know how to eat healthy. Wasn’t an insult, it’s the truth.

So, she gave me some advice on what to do and I told her that I cannot do this without someone telling me when to eat, what to eat and let’s face it, how to eat. And she accepted the challenge!

So, here I am one week in and I’ve lost 9lbs! And I went to Beerfest this past Saturday (which I was dreading, because I thought I’d derail off of my previous days progress – but I only gained a pound!)

I’m serious. I’m effing doing this. This is happening. And as long as I have my friend helping me out, I’m going to get to “Onderland”.  That is my first goal, out of the 200’s I’m ½ way there, and it’s happening. I don’t care how long it’s going to take, but I’m doing this.

I’m serious. I’m changing my whole eating habits, lifestyle, and mentality. I’m not too proud to admit that I needed serious help. I couldn’t do this alone, I’ve been heavy my whole life – I’ve tried a zillion different diets and none of which made a significant change (except one, whole other story), but nothing has kept it off. Because I didn’t embrace the fact that this isn’t a diet; this is life, this is my new life.

Gonna keep a positive outlook on this, I’m going to stay focused. And I’m going to get to Onderland – and you’re all going to hear about it.  Below is the god awful week one picture – yeah so when I get to onderland I can be amazed at what I used to look like, not that I’ll ever forget.

Week One

Two Month Update – Meh

I’ve decided that I’m not going to track anything.  I can’t be one of those obsessive calorie, weight loss, anything counters. In fact I’m actually as bad at math as I am to losing weight, apparently.

But, even though I’m maintaining my current unhealthy weight I’ve adapted the exercising ritual that will maybe not help me lose weight (mostly because I have only a love affair with food and eating it) it will get me healthier. As a wise friend of mine said.

I’ve found that I’m sleeping better for one thing, which is HUGE, I think I prefer that more than losing weight. I just want to sleep like a normal person.  I think that is one of the top catalysts for my overweightness (yeah I just made that word up).

So that’s all I have to report right now, it’s a short one.  But I’m exercising at least 4-5 times a week, for 20-30 mins, next week I’m starting to do some yoga and we’ll see where this all goes.

I knew this was going to be a long process, so I’m patient and keeping on keeping on.

Till next month…

12-6-13

24 Years

Mom

She was a stranger to me.  For fourteen years of my life she clothed, fed, and kept me alive, and she was a stranger to me.

I can’t remember her scent, but I’m pretty sure it was just Marlboro Light 100’s and I can’t remember her voice, but I’m sure it was quiet and kind when it needed to be and terrifying when we were bad.

She was a shy woman who I only remember always having her nose in a book, nothing too profound, she loved romances – anything Danielle Steele. According to my father everyone loved her.  I loved her, she was my mom – but I didn’t know her at all.

I’ll tell you what I do know now – she struggled with her weight her whole life.  I think I knew that then too, but I didn’t understand it.   I also now know that she hated to see me struggle with mine.  That’s why when I was twelve she sent me to a weight modification camp (Fat Camp as I call it), I felt this was an insult and up until just writing this post I was insulted. But, it just dawned on me that she wasn’t trying to hurt me, she just really didn’t want me to have the same fate as her – which I ended up having anyway – without genetics.

She would try any and all diets there were, any fad, any quick loss, anything – anything that made her chase her demons away, she never did.  When she got sick and was near death I remember thinking that this is what it took to make her as thin as she wanted to be.  I was fourteen when I thought that, and I hated myself for it.

She saw herself in me and she was as sad and as angry for me as she was for herself.

It’s 24 years ago today since I said goodbye and it’s taken me this long to realize who she was.  She was a woman struggling with self acceptance, genetics, the idea of beauty that included the body dysmorphic world around her, and herself.

They say with every year that passes it gets easier – I disagree.  It’s actually getting harder because now that I’m older every year that passes is a year that I didn’t get to know her as an adult.  It’s another year that passes where I can’t tell her I totally get it.  I just didn’t have the time to know her and every year that passes I understand her more as I live my own life in similarity and it pains me that I’ve missed out on this opportunity to know her.

I wish we could have fought these demons together.

I miss you mom.  Forever and always I will continue to love you more with every year that passes!

Update One Month In

So, I’ve had some tough weeks.  This week in particular – I won’t bore the 20 of you who might read this what happened, but it was a BAD lady week – if ya know what I mean

I’m off track already (shocker) – I have to admit I am terrible at this being healthy thing.  I’ve only gained two lbs. (after a colonoscopy, tell me how that even happened) I’m still trying to be conscious of what I eat, and try not to eat as much and other than this past week I have been doing the elliptical at least 3 times a week for 30 mins. But here’s the problem…you can call it an excuse which it probably is, but I can’t afford all the damn healthy food!  I have to spend like $100 a week on food and I’ve been finding trouble doing that. I’m doing the exercise which was supposed to be the main catalyst for kick-starting this thing – it turns out I ALSO have to be really strict with eating too. Seriously?!? Is one not enough – oh yeah it would’ve been about fifteen years ago – 30’s man, who thought it was a good idea to become this old?

So this is my next challenge – budgeting *gasp*…

I’ll give you some insight into my life – I’ve had some very low-paying jobs and I live on my own, in NEW JERSEY which leads to I financial struggle pretty heartily. Therefore I tend to go for cheap and fast food over pricey and fresh. But happily I can admit that I have not gotten any fast food in the last few weeks since my last post. I can say that for 100% and also I can tell you that’s really effing hard.  Ok I’ve quit smoking (a few times) and everyone says that’s the one of the hardest habits to kick – well bad eating I think is the equivalent to quitting heroin. I feel like I went through withdrawals, like the food sweats and fat just expelling itself from the body, it’s not pretty.  Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but I’m mortified to admit I actually crave it sometimes.  Isn’t that disgusting – I crave a god damned Whopper with cheese, I need an intervention!

So I’m not going to let this lick me – I’m going to budget. I actually managed to get a week’s worth of breakfast, lunch and dinner for about $65 bucks this week which I think was pretty damn impressive, but nothing fresh.  I was healthy conscious, but once you get into the fresh fruits and veggies and then meat…forget it.  I got some Kashi in the bag meals, some healthy choice lunches, some Raisin Brand Crunch cereal, oatmeal and I was just done with it.  I try to go for low sodium choices so it kills two birds, it’s healthier than eating out and it’s fast. Fast and cheap(ish) – SCORE!  So beginning the first chance I get I will get back on the elliptical horse and start again.  That’s all I can do.

The amazing thing about this process is that there’s no rush or timeframe (well maybe there’s a little rush) but it’s not like it’s life or death right now at this minute, right?

As long as I keep trying despite my set backs that’s a good thing I suppose.  Need to work on those excuses though.

On the mental front I am happy to report that I am 100% anxiety meds free now and I feel kind of normal.  No crying fits, no depression bouts, I actually chose to go out last night instead of staying home.  As a matter of fact I have an action fun-filled packed weekend ahead of me also.  I’m still exhausted at all times, but I’m trying to put that as the third priority instead of the first. You know the adage I’ll sleep when I’m dead and then maybe by then I won’t be so tired. 😉

So some set backs this week, some disappointing non-loss weeks, but this girl keeps on truckin’…

Till next time…

10-25-13

Health, Mental, Health

IMG_20130810_134147

You would think when I was diagnosed with Lupus two years ago it would have been the wake up call I needed. Nope, I think I fell further down the rabbit hole of despair. Two years later, completely ignoring the Lupus debacle I finally went to a doctor to discuss the problem of the ever-present acid reflux/heartburn problem I have and that was the wake up call I finally took heed of.

When in the doctor’s office the doctor, for the first time ever, (and perhaps he had a hidden agenda) didn’t say Allison, you need to lose weight, you need to find a healthy way of eating, you need to exercise etc… he said Allison, you are morbidly obese and I recommend you get weight loss surgery. To me, that was a punch in the face.  Now, I know there may be a lot of lazy overweight people out there (I mean no disrespect, I’m pretty lazy) whose eyes light up when they see the easy light to the end of that really hard tunnel and then foam at the mouth that the end is closer than they would’ve ever imagined. I was not, I was insulted. I heard it as this doctor telling me – there is no way in hell you can ever do this because you’re weak and useless, so I’ll be that knight in shining armor to save your life.
Fuck that.
I’ve lived a long hard road on my own (and by my own I strictly mean “sans knight”), so for me to roll over and just get saved all easy, just like that, appalled me. I wasn’t about to take the easy way out – besides the fact that I’m too prideful, slothful, pretty lustful, definitely gluttonous – ok so I’m like all the sins – but, it’s so dangerous. I don’t know about you, but it takes time and effort to get into a mental state where you’re not eating your every feeling.  Obesity is not just something that ‘happens’, it’s not being lazy or all the other fat people stereotypes. It’s a straight up eating disorder – yeah I said it – tell me I’m wrong.  When I’m having a bad day I eat Burger King, when I’m sad I’ll have a pint of ice cream, when I feel depressed and shitty every day I eat shitty, it comes hand in hand and it’s a vicious circle that never ends.
Until now.
I took the doctor’s “easy out” as the biggest challenge of my life. I’m going to show this doctor that he is full of shit, that putting me under the knife and having me lose as he quoted “100 lbs in six months” is not going to be my answer.  When he said that I actually cringed. I’ve been heavy MY.WHOLE.LIFE and to lose that much weight in that little time all I thought to myself was where the hell does all that skin go? Yeah, garosssss. So the doctor proceeded to tell me that the team they have has nutritionists, plastic surgeons and psychiatrists…but, um, I’m a middle class working drone, how good do you think my insurance is? Cosmetic surgery is not covered by insurance and truth be told, if I’m getting plastic surgery it’s going to be boobs. FIN.
Which now brings me to the mental part…
I’ve been on a mood balancing prescription for the better part of 5 years, and sometimes I felt I really, really needed it and other times I wondered if it was even working, until I saw that my medicine was actually recalled for not really working.  Yeah, that happened. So I called my primary doctor and asked if they can fix this and I never heard back so I thought to myself, self – time to get off of that shit. So over that last month or so I’ve been weaning myself off and I have to say I’m ok.  I’m actually fine. I almost can’t believe.
After that dreaded doctor appointment I made a commitment to myself to get healthy – I’ve wanted to do this for a while, but I had about a million excuses to start tomorrow. I actually now yell at myself to cut the shit and excuses and no matter how tired I am and to just get off my ass and do something.
Since that doctor appointment I’ve lost 13 lbs, that was about 13 days ago.  I also started volunteering at an animal shelter and making ever effort to spend time with people who are really important to me. I’ve been a very negative person all my life, Debbie Downer for sure and I’ve actually lost some important people because of it (am still losing too) and I hear myself doing it and I want to kick myself in the shin to stop, but it’s like I have mouth diarrhea.  However, I’ve also learned that not only do I want to be more positive, I do not want to put myself in situations in which I feel bad, uncomfortable or just terrible no matter what I have to sacrifice. I’d rather miss out on something than feel like shit and try to pretend I’m having a good time when really I want to crawl into a hole and die. So not worth it. And I finally feel clear-headed, less paranoid, less territorial, more ok with being alone – there’s no rush, I’m working on myself right now I don’t have time for any other shenanigans.
So there you have it, my steps against adversity in a cruel and uncaring world – or just a doctor who really likes his perks for suggesting surgery to fatties. This isn’t a diet, this isn’t a contest in which I work really hard for a couple of months to win and then screech to a halt as soon as the competition is over.  I’m not even doing this to find love – I’m awesome fat or whatever and the sooner the opposite sex realizes it the better off they will be.  I’m doing this 1) to keep my original knees (yeah the doctor said that was neigh) 2) get off all my medication 3) finally not feel uncomfortable in my own skin  4) be a more positive person and 5) to stop all these damn excuses!
I’m going to keep writing down how I’m doing and my progress, maybe add a picture of myself or two along the way.  I really want to stay motivated, I do wish I had a buddy to do this with just to be able to talk about it with them and not annoy all of my other friends with it, but I’ve been doing things alone forever it’s not like I’m not fucking amazing fantastic awesome at it.

America Got It Right Today

I don’t have much to say today, except…

Finally America You’re doing it right!

 

 

Supreme Court DOMA Decision Rules Federal Same-Sex Marriage Ban Unconstitutional

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/26/supreme-court-doma-decision_n_3454811.html?utm_hp_ref=email_share

 

Texas Abortion Bill Filibustered By State Senator Wendy Davis Is Dead

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/26/texas-abortion-bill_n_3501005.html

 

Conversations Between Cats

It is said that felines are in the top 10 smartest animals list – at least one I Googled.

Now, I’m no dolphin scientist – but I would like to believe that my two cats are definitely smarter than myself. Maybe not the smartest of the felines in general – so I don’t know how much hope one can have on civilization if it were up to me and my cats for the world’s survival, but I digress…I do happen to have some time on my hands though, so I’m going to illustrate what I believe are actual…

Conversations Between My Cats…

20121015_120521

Nikki (the one in the background) : Aw man, I was going to sit there, Brie – you’re always following me!  Move or I’ll clean your behind again.

Brie (giving all face): I wonder if she knows I just pooped on the floor?

Nikki: What did you say?

Brie: I’m not moving, do what you gotta…

20130525_134429 20130615_111048

Nikki (spread eagle): There comes a time when you just have to air your beans out…

Brie (looking on in disdain): Idiot, you’re a female, and neutered – must you be vulgar all the time?

Nikki: You’re such a priss.

Brie: Says the whore…

20130421_092409

Nikki: (The wider one): What are we looking at?

Brie: (Slim): I don’t know I was wondering what you were looking at?!

20130521_171619  20130615_224519

Brie (Left): I could really use a cleaning right about now, Nikki – get your ass up and clean me!

Nikki (Right):  I only get 23 and 1 quarter hours of rest a day, can you cut me some slack – you’re so needy.

Brie: That’s not what you said last night…

20130619_172034

Nikki (Other One): Brie – haha, you’re doing your fetus impression again…

Brie (Closer One): Yeah…well you’re doing your human impression again…

Nikki: Oh burn…no pun intended, because that was a lame joke.

Brie: Aw Lick me…quit hogging all the sun!

20130512_220541

Nikki (the angry-looking one): God dammit she’s taking a picture of us again – I told you it looks a little gay.

Brie (the curled up one): I need your blubber to keep me warm, totally a survival tactic.

Nikki: You’re an asshole, I’m just big-boned!

Brie: Yeah sure – you also have a pretty face.

Nikki:  That’s it…no spooning later, better believe it!

20130315_182434  20130226_200615

Nikki (the humanoid sitting one): So I said “oh no you didn’t girl, this weave is real”.

Brie (the annoyed one): Seriously, again? Please stop pretending you are a human on an 80’s urban situational TV show, it’s offensive.

Nikki: I’m not being offensive, I’m keeping it real!

Brie: Good grief!

IMG_20120806_194924

Nikki (the guilty looking one): Just look innocent, and keep your mouth shut.

Brie (the submissive one): You just had my throat in your jaws of death, I’m telling!

Nikki: Open your mouth and I sit on your face.

Brie: God no – worse than your jaws of death is your ass of death.

Nikki: Smile for the camera…

imagejpeg_2_2

Nikki (The affectionate looking one): Want to know a secret?

Brie (The one that looks like she enjoying it): Uh, I guess.

Nikki: I just farted.

Brie: Real mature.

10 smartest animals in the world indeed!!  I don’t know why, but I do think that my cat Nikki is truly offensive in every way. Honestly, they are really good to each other. They have their fighting moments, but usually they are cleaning each other, eating off of the same tiny paper plate, or sleeping on each other. I couldn’t have asked for two estranged cats coming together and getting along so well. I’ve never seen non-related cats bond like these two girls did, I truly got lucky and they are certainly hours of entertainment.

Do you have pets that are like my girls? I’d like to hear all about them!