41 Pounds to Onederland

Check out my progress! This is crazy awesome!


24 Years


She was a stranger to me.  For fourteen years of my life she clothed, fed, and kept me alive, and she was a stranger to me.

I can’t remember her scent, but I’m pretty sure it was just Marlboro Light 100’s and I can’t remember her voice, but I’m sure it was quiet and kind when it needed to be and terrifying when we were bad.

She was a shy woman who I only remember always having her nose in a book, nothing too profound, she loved romances – anything Danielle Steele. According to my father everyone loved her.  I loved her, she was my mom – but I didn’t know her at all.

I’ll tell you what I do know now – she struggled with her weight her whole life.  I think I knew that then too, but I didn’t understand it.   I also now know that she hated to see me struggle with mine.  That’s why when I was twelve she sent me to a weight modification camp (Fat Camp as I call it), I felt this was an insult and up until just writing this post I was insulted. But, it just dawned on me that she wasn’t trying to hurt me, she just really didn’t want me to have the same fate as her – which I ended up having anyway – without genetics.

She would try any and all diets there were, any fad, any quick loss, anything – anything that made her chase her demons away, she never did.  When she got sick and was near death I remember thinking that this is what it took to make her as thin as she wanted to be.  I was fourteen when I thought that, and I hated myself for it.

She saw herself in me and she was as sad and as angry for me as she was for herself.

It’s 24 years ago today since I said goodbye and it’s taken me this long to realize who she was.  She was a woman struggling with self acceptance, genetics, the idea of beauty that included the body dysmorphic world around her, and herself.

They say with every year that passes it gets easier – I disagree.  It’s actually getting harder because now that I’m older every year that passes is a year that I didn’t get to know her as an adult.  It’s another year that passes where I can’t tell her I totally get it.  I just didn’t have the time to know her and every year that passes I understand her more as I live my own life in similarity and it pains me that I’ve missed out on this opportunity to know her.

I wish we could have fought these demons together.

I miss you mom.  Forever and always I will continue to love you more with every year that passes!

My Life in 100 Words…

I’ve been kind of absent lately and last night when the throes of sleep didn’t consume me I thought to myself…Self…let’s see if I can sum up my 36 years of life into 100 words.

So here it goes…

Born from a very young mother, whom I do not know

Accepted by a family who made me their own

School has made me friends for life

Love, loss of family, change of new families

I’ve had alot of wonderful jobs and met some really great people

Lived in NY, NJ, FL, NJ, NV, NJ, FL, TN, NJ

Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend, Introvert – slowly becoming extrovert

Artist, a writer, blogtalkradio co-host

Waiting for love with patience

Self-published, still writing, and still passionate about it

Hopeful for everyday I wake up that this day will be better than the last

Ok that wasn’t as easy as I thought, but let me know what you think? Oh and I had to ‘cheat‘ and make a lot one word to make 100…I know, I know the A LOT will be coming.

Photo Credit: https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR52FVsF6ynZ4v2j_lRD6JA4JlA6d6v5D6k9FM6VOIReJDSVFEGoA