I’ve decided that I’m not going to track anything. I can’t be one of those obsessive calorie, weight loss, anything counters. In fact I’m actually as bad at math as I am to losing weight, apparently.
But, even though I’m maintaining my current unhealthy weight I’ve adapted the exercising ritual that will maybe not help me lose weight (mostly because I have only a love affair with food and eating it) it will get me healthier. As a wise friend of mine said.
I’ve found that I’m sleeping better for one thing, which is HUGE, I think I prefer that more than losing weight. I just want to sleep like a normal person. I think that is one of the top catalysts for my overweightness (yeah I just made that word up).
So that’s all I have to report right now, it’s a short one. But I’m exercising at least 4-5 times a week, for 20-30 mins, next week I’m starting to do some yoga and we’ll see where this all goes.
I knew this was going to be a long process, so I’m patient and keeping on keeping on.
You would think when I was diagnosed with Lupus two years ago it would have been the wake up call I needed. Nope, I think I fell further down the rabbit hole of despair. Two years later, completely ignoring the Lupus debacle I finally went to a doctor to discuss the problem of the ever-present acid reflux/heartburn problem I have and that was the wake up call I finally took heed of.
When in the doctor’s office the doctor, for the first time ever, (and perhaps he had a hidden agenda) didn’t say Allison, you need to lose weight, you need to find a healthy way of eating, you need to exercise etc… he said Allison, you are morbidly obese and I recommend you get weight loss surgery. To me, that was a punch in the face. Now, I know there may be a lot of lazy overweight people out there (I mean no disrespect, I’m pretty lazy) whose eyes light up when they see the easy light to the end of that really hard tunnel and then foam at the mouth that the end is closer than they would’ve ever imagined. I was not, I was insulted. I heard it as this doctor telling me – there is no way in hell you can ever do this because you’re weak and useless, so I’ll be that knight in shining armor to save your life.
I’ve lived a long hard road on my own (and by my own I strictly mean “sans knight”), so for me to roll over and just get saved all easy, just like that, appalled me. I wasn’t about to take the easy way out – besides the fact that I’m too prideful, slothful, pretty lustful, definitely gluttonous – ok so I’m like all the sins – but, it’s so dangerous. I don’t know about you, but it takes time and effort to get into a mental state where you’re not eating your every feeling. Obesity is not just something that ‘happens’, it’s not being lazy or all the other fat people stereotypes. It’s a straight up eating disorder – yeah I said it – tell me I’m wrong. When I’m having a bad day I eat Burger King, when I’m sad I’ll have a pint of ice cream, when I feel depressed and shitty every day I eat shitty, it comes hand in hand and it’s a vicious circle that never ends.
I took the doctor’s “easy out” as the biggest challenge of my life. I’m going to show this doctor that he is full of shit, that putting me under the knife and having me lose as he quoted “100 lbs in six months” is not going to be my answer. When he said that I actually cringed. I’ve been heavy MY.WHOLE.LIFE and to lose that much weight in that little time all I thought to myself was where the hell does all that skin go? Yeah, garosssss. So the doctor proceeded to tell me that the team they have has nutritionists, plastic surgeons and psychiatrists…but, um, I’m a middle class working drone, how good do you think my insurance is? Cosmetic surgery is not covered by insurance and truth be told, if I’m getting plastic surgery it’s going to be boobs. FIN.
Which now brings me to the mental part…
I’ve been on a mood balancing prescription for the better part of 5 years, and sometimes I felt I really, really needed it and other times I wondered if it was even working, until I saw that my medicine was actually recalled for not really working. Yeah, that happened. So I called my primary doctor and asked if they can fix this and I never heard back so I thought to myself, self – time to get off of that shit. So over that last month or so I’ve been weaning myself off and I have to say I’m ok. I’m actually fine. I almost can’t believe.
After that dreaded doctor appointment I made a commitment to myself to get healthy – I’ve wanted to do this for a while, but I had about a million excuses to start tomorrow. I actually now yell at myself to cut the shit and excuses and no matter how tired I am and to just get off my ass and do something.
Since that doctor appointment I’ve lost 13 lbs, that was about 13 days ago. I also started volunteering at an animal shelter and making ever effort to spend time with people who are really important to me. I’ve been a very negative person all my life, Debbie Downer for sure and I’ve actually lost some important people because of it (am still losing too) and I hear myself doing it and I want to kick myself in the shin to stop, but it’s like I have mouth diarrhea. However, I’ve also learned that not only do I want to be more positive, I do not want to put myself in situations in which I feel bad, uncomfortable or just terrible no matter what I have to sacrifice. I’d rather miss out on something than feel like shit and try to pretend I’m having a good time when really I want to crawl into a hole and die. So not worth it. And I finally feel clear-headed, less paranoid, less territorial, more ok with being alone – there’s no rush, I’m working on myself right now I don’t have time for any other shenanigans.
So there you have it, my steps against adversity in a cruel and uncaring world – or just a doctor who really likes his perks for suggesting surgery to fatties. This isn’t a diet, this isn’t a contest in which I work really hard for a couple of months to win and then screech to a halt as soon as the competition is over. I’m not even doing this to find love – I’m awesome fat or whatever and the sooner the opposite sex realizes it the better off they will be. I’m doing this 1) to keep my original knees (yeah the doctor said that was neigh) 2) get off all my medication 3) finally not feel uncomfortable in my own skin 4) be a more positive person and 5) to stop all these damn excuses!
I’m going to keep writing down how I’m doing and my progress, maybe add a picture of myself or two along the way. I really want to stay motivated, I do wish I had a buddy to do this with just to be able to talk about it with them and not annoy all of my other friends with it, but I’ve been doing things alone forever it’s not like I’m not fucking amazing fantastic awesome at it.