I Know, I’m THAT Girl Again

I know that my weight loss journey has completely apprehended my writing career, but I do have something currently in the works! But it’s going to have to be a mystery for right now.  In the meantime, how about you check out my progress! Once I hit my goals I can re-focus on my absolute love of writing again!

http://allisoninonederland.wordpress.com/2014/06/16/week-22-6-months-deep-and-so-close-to-goal/

 

 

Cliche Alert – New Year – New Plan

So it’s been more than a month since my last update. And that’s because shit had hit the fan.  I somehow hurt my back and just said ‘eff it all’ and everything went to shit.  Needless to say the entire last half of December was just a mess.

And the more I went down the shame spiral of eating my anger from the pain I was in from my back the more I just packed it on.

By the way when people say they’ve pulled their back I know it looks painful, but I’ve never known how painful it actually was. I mean I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t put my socks on. Couldn’t stand, sit, lie down, nothing I did felt good. I was in misery.   And the more miserable I was the worse I ate. So, one night while in pain with my back I had the dreaded Acid Reflux – which caused me to cough – and those of you who’ve had a herniated disc knows what that does when you cough, sneeze, breath hard etc. I went down to my knees in pain. And I’d had a few other bad episodes of the AR after that.

I’ve had it. I cannot live like this anymore. I was talking to a very good friend of mine and complaining as I do. I told her I was trying to eat healthy and exercising before all this happened and I don’t know how to get back on track. Then, I don’t know how we got on the topic, but she asked me what I was eating when I was eating healthy and I told her and she told me that I was NOT eating healthy.

I don’t even know how to eat healthy. Wasn’t an insult, it’s the truth.

So, she gave me some advice on what to do and I told her that I cannot do this without someone telling me when to eat, what to eat and let’s face it, how to eat. And she accepted the challenge!

So, here I am one week in and I’ve lost 9lbs! And I went to Beerfest this past Saturday (which I was dreading, because I thought I’d derail off of my previous days progress – but I only gained a pound!)

I’m serious. I’m effing doing this. This is happening. And as long as I have my friend helping me out, I’m going to get to “Onderland”.  That is my first goal, out of the 200’s I’m ½ way there, and it’s happening. I don’t care how long it’s going to take, but I’m doing this.

I’m serious. I’m changing my whole eating habits, lifestyle, and mentality. I’m not too proud to admit that I needed serious help. I couldn’t do this alone, I’ve been heavy my whole life – I’ve tried a zillion different diets and none of which made a significant change (except one, whole other story), but nothing has kept it off. Because I didn’t embrace the fact that this isn’t a diet; this is life, this is my new life.

Gonna keep a positive outlook on this, I’m going to stay focused. And I’m going to get to Onderland – and you’re all going to hear about it.  Below is the god awful week one picture – yeah so when I get to onderland I can be amazed at what I used to look like, not that I’ll ever forget.

Week One

Health, Mental, Health

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You would think when I was diagnosed with Lupus two years ago it would have been the wake up call I needed. Nope, I think I fell further down the rabbit hole of despair. Two years later, completely ignoring the Lupus debacle I finally went to a doctor to discuss the problem of the ever-present acid reflux/heartburn problem I have and that was the wake up call I finally took heed of.

When in the doctor’s office the doctor, for the first time ever, (and perhaps he had a hidden agenda) didn’t say Allison, you need to lose weight, you need to find a healthy way of eating, you need to exercise etc… he said Allison, you are morbidly obese and I recommend you get weight loss surgery. To me, that was a punch in the face.  Now, I know there may be a lot of lazy overweight people out there (I mean no disrespect, I’m pretty lazy) whose eyes light up when they see the easy light to the end of that really hard tunnel and then foam at the mouth that the end is closer than they would’ve ever imagined. I was not, I was insulted. I heard it as this doctor telling me – there is no way in hell you can ever do this because you’re weak and useless, so I’ll be that knight in shining armor to save your life.
Fuck that.
I’ve lived a long hard road on my own (and by my own I strictly mean “sans knight”), so for me to roll over and just get saved all easy, just like that, appalled me. I wasn’t about to take the easy way out – besides the fact that I’m too prideful, slothful, pretty lustful, definitely gluttonous – ok so I’m like all the sins – but, it’s so dangerous. I don’t know about you, but it takes time and effort to get into a mental state where you’re not eating your every feeling.  Obesity is not just something that ‘happens’, it’s not being lazy or all the other fat people stereotypes. It’s a straight up eating disorder – yeah I said it – tell me I’m wrong.  When I’m having a bad day I eat Burger King, when I’m sad I’ll have a pint of ice cream, when I feel depressed and shitty every day I eat shitty, it comes hand in hand and it’s a vicious circle that never ends.
Until now.
I took the doctor’s “easy out” as the biggest challenge of my life. I’m going to show this doctor that he is full of shit, that putting me under the knife and having me lose as he quoted “100 lbs in six months” is not going to be my answer.  When he said that I actually cringed. I’ve been heavy MY.WHOLE.LIFE and to lose that much weight in that little time all I thought to myself was where the hell does all that skin go? Yeah, garosssss. So the doctor proceeded to tell me that the team they have has nutritionists, plastic surgeons and psychiatrists…but, um, I’m a middle class working drone, how good do you think my insurance is? Cosmetic surgery is not covered by insurance and truth be told, if I’m getting plastic surgery it’s going to be boobs. FIN.
Which now brings me to the mental part…
I’ve been on a mood balancing prescription for the better part of 5 years, and sometimes I felt I really, really needed it and other times I wondered if it was even working, until I saw that my medicine was actually recalled for not really working.  Yeah, that happened. So I called my primary doctor and asked if they can fix this and I never heard back so I thought to myself, self – time to get off of that shit. So over that last month or so I’ve been weaning myself off and I have to say I’m ok.  I’m actually fine. I almost can’t believe.
After that dreaded doctor appointment I made a commitment to myself to get healthy – I’ve wanted to do this for a while, but I had about a million excuses to start tomorrow. I actually now yell at myself to cut the shit and excuses and no matter how tired I am and to just get off my ass and do something.
Since that doctor appointment I’ve lost 13 lbs, that was about 13 days ago.  I also started volunteering at an animal shelter and making ever effort to spend time with people who are really important to me. I’ve been a very negative person all my life, Debbie Downer for sure and I’ve actually lost some important people because of it (am still losing too) and I hear myself doing it and I want to kick myself in the shin to stop, but it’s like I have mouth diarrhea.  However, I’ve also learned that not only do I want to be more positive, I do not want to put myself in situations in which I feel bad, uncomfortable or just terrible no matter what I have to sacrifice. I’d rather miss out on something than feel like shit and try to pretend I’m having a good time when really I want to crawl into a hole and die. So not worth it. And I finally feel clear-headed, less paranoid, less territorial, more ok with being alone – there’s no rush, I’m working on myself right now I don’t have time for any other shenanigans.
So there you have it, my steps against adversity in a cruel and uncaring world – or just a doctor who really likes his perks for suggesting surgery to fatties. This isn’t a diet, this isn’t a contest in which I work really hard for a couple of months to win and then screech to a halt as soon as the competition is over.  I’m not even doing this to find love – I’m awesome fat or whatever and the sooner the opposite sex realizes it the better off they will be.  I’m doing this 1) to keep my original knees (yeah the doctor said that was neigh) 2) get off all my medication 3) finally not feel uncomfortable in my own skin  4) be a more positive person and 5) to stop all these damn excuses!
I’m going to keep writing down how I’m doing and my progress, maybe add a picture of myself or two along the way.  I really want to stay motivated, I do wish I had a buddy to do this with just to be able to talk about it with them and not annoy all of my other friends with it, but I’ve been doing things alone forever it’s not like I’m not fucking amazing fantastic awesome at it.